The Weatherman's Conspiracy

So you think the storm is coming do you? For most of my life I've lived in Florida. I grew up here. I've seen hurricane warning after hurricane warning. Frankly, I'm a little tired of it. You've cried wolf one too many times, Mr. "Meteorologist".

Before you call me an insensitive nut, let me clarify my position. Hurricanes are real and powerful and can potentially bring enormous destructive power to a community. We should be wary of them.

My problem is with the guys who are always telling us they know where it's going.

They start telling you the "projected path" about a month before it's much more than a gust. Most of them never make landfall. They "change course".

It cracks me up when the weatherman says the storm changed course. No it didn't. It just took a different course from the one you said it would.

But it's not just the weatherman. It's the entire network. It's about the ratings and all of us dumb Floridians, along with half of the inhabitants of the landlocked states, are glued to the local news or the weather channel.

Breaking News!!! A tropical depression is forming in the middle of the Atlantic. Who the hell cares! Get back to me when you want me to pack up my stuff. It's a little crazy you gotta admit.

So, the weatherman is in on it. The networks are in on it. The schools are in on it too! I still remember Hugo. You remember Hugo don't you? I was a young lad, but I remember that I got out of school for Hugo.

I played football in the front yard. It was beautiful outside.

So, I've decided it's a conspiracy with the "meteorologist" as its front man. I think the local governments are involved as well. They get to declare a state of emergency if it starts to drizzle. A little media exposure never can hurt in politics.

They declare a state of emergency so we will be prepared you may say. But are we prepared? Hell no, we're too busy watching the weather channel or buying milk. I've never understood why milk is so instrumental in weathering any type of storm, but apparently you won't make it without it (I'm sure it has nothing to do with Wal-Mart or the dairy council).

So, you can go on telling me about the storm, Mr. Weatherman, but I'm not buying it anymore. Storm, Schmorm. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my bunker.