I’m Just Sayin’

Few phrases make my skin crawl as much as the ever popular “I’m Just Sayin’.” Maybe this isn’t a new term, but it seems like I’m seeing it more and more lately.

What the fuck does this mean?

I realize that you’re just saying whatever it is you’re saying. I never thought you were also performing an interpretive dance.

I guess what your are really trying to say is “Don’t hold me responsible for anything I said, because I’m just running my mouth.” Kind of like “with all due respect.”

As in “With all due respect, you’re a real douchebag.”

So, CNN is even getting into it. That should be your cue folks to drop this phrase from your repertoire. Jon Stewart says it better than I ever could.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CNN's Just Sayin'
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Please people. You are taking years off of my life with every utterance of this phrase. I want to poke out my eyes every time I read it. I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to stick a pair of cockroaches in my ears every time I hear it. End the madness!

I’m just sayin’.

It’s all about me!

So today is my birthday, and what better reason is there to blather incoherently?

Today’s rambling is devoted to my new idea for birthdays.  I will warn you that I have expressed this opinion to many, and all without exception have found it to be completely without merit.

What else is new?

So it seems to me that one of my friends is always having a birthday.  You have to get a gift, organize a party, give a speech, etc.

I think that the birthday responsibilities should lie with the person who is celebrating the birthday.

Think about it.  One day a year you have to worry about birthday celebrations.  That’s it!

You throw yourself a party, get a cake, buy yourself gifts, and invite all of your friends to watch you open them!  You get exactly what you want, and your friends don’t have to go to any trouble.  They just show up and have a good time.

It’s a brave new world people.  Let’s turn it upside down!

Here’s to you!

I just thought I’d give a shout out to those people who have made my life more interesting lately.  You have gone above and beyond in contributing to the epic story of my wanderings on this planet.

 Guy who took my shampoo and conditioner from the gym

You could have left it in the shower.  You could have taken it to lost and found.  You could have put it in a locker.  Yet you decided to take my shampoo and conditioner home with you to save a few bucks.  Way to go.

Guy who always thinks I’m hitting on his girlfriend

OK.  Maybe I was hitting on her the first time.  Now I do it just to watch you get all riled up.  It entertains me.

Chick whose name I can’t remember

You know who you are.

Am I in line here?

I admit it. I bust in line. I do it in traffic. I do it at the movies. I’ve been known to do it at wedding receptions.

That doesn’t make it right. I expect to be chastised if caught.

What really irks me is when cutting in line is completely tolerated by businesses (and the person cutting is not me.) Here are two types of cutting that are completely acceptable in most stores.

Phone cutting

Have you ever been waiting at a customer service desk to talk to someone in a long, slow-moving line? Maybe you just need to ask a question about a return. Then the phone rings behind the desk. What does the person working the desk do? Of course, they pick up the phone and help solve the caller’s problem.

I’m going to try to call from my cell while waiting in line next time. Is that phone caller really more important than us schmucks standing in front of you?

Drive through cutting

I’m in Starbucks the other day with my kids. We are the only people in Starbucks. As I am waiting for my order I watch the drive through window. People are speeding through there like it’s the freeway!

What the hell? Just because you’re in a car you deserve preferential treatment? She’s slinging lattes out the window like she’s working a pit crew.

Please people, let’s get this straightened out. I, for one, do not want to live in a world where cutters like me are accepted. It’s a matter of principle!

Head of the Class

Ladies and Gentleman, you all know me as one who doesn’t like to stir things up.  Far be it from me to rattle the cages of those who may be slumbering peacefully.

I’ve been reading up on my economic statistics, though, and I’m learning some interesting facts.  For instance, did you know…

If you earn over $100,000 a year you earn more than 85% of households in the United States.

If you earn over $250,000 a year you earn more than 98.5% of households in the United States.

The median household income in the US is just over $44,000.

The wealthiest 25% of households own 87% of the wealth in the US.

The median net worth in the US is $120,000.

The median net worth for white people is $170,000.

The media net worth for non-white people is $27,000.

The 400 wealthiest Americans combined net worth is $1.57 trillion.

Now you may be thinking “This is all very interesting, but what is the point?”

My point is that most people don’t have a whole lot of money.  Sorry, maybe you were expecting something more insightful.  Still, people don’t act like they don’t have much money.

The overwhelming majority of Americans earn little income and possess little net worth.  Yet, we make decisions that benefit those that earn huge incomes and possess a higher net worth than many countries.

What’s up with that?

How in the world have the majority of Americans been convinced that a system that pushes 87% of the wealth to 25% of the people is a good idea? 

How have smart people been convinced that the free market will take care of them when it is blatantly obvious that a select few reap almost the entire reward?

Impatient with the Pleasantries.

Patience is a virtue, and I am not a virtuous man. I'm feeling like a bit of a jackass today, so I thought I would blog about some things that cause my patience to wear thin.

Responding in kind



If I say you look nice you don't need to say "Thanks so do you." I may actually retract my compliment in said situation.


Small talk



I would rather rack myself than sit and listen to mind numbing chit chat. The weather is fine. Your children are lovely. Can I get a drink over here?


Parrot politics



Just because you can repeat what Sean Hannity or John Stewart told you last night does not make you smart or insightful. Talking louder when I ask you to explain your position is not a strong debate tactic either.


Inserting "Don't get a big head" before or after a compliment



C'mon guys. First of all, it's a little arrogant and presumptuous to assume that I might get a big head based on something you would say to me. I feel insulted that anyone would think that someone's opinion would have that kind of effect. Secondly, my head is as big as it's going to get. I have a fairly healthy self-image already.


Insecurity



I pity people who aren't secure with themselves. I really do. That doesn't mean I'm willing to have a conversation with them that consists of me constantly saying "You're not old. You're not stupid. You're not pitiful." These things may or may not be true, but why would it matter what I think? Be happy with what the big guy gave you! Some have more, some have less.

There you have it folks. Just another installment in "How can the world better adapt to meet my needs." Tune in next week when we discuss "The correlation between curly hair and intelligence: Can you afford to go straight?"

Health Care Smackdown -- 2009

I have to admit...I have a little man crush on Obama.

I wanted to get that out in the open before I give you my opinion on the health care debate.



Let's leave Obama and think about the plan. His basic tenant is that every American must have affordable health care available.

Let's think about that for a minute. I have many Republican and conservative friends. In fact, most of my friends lean right in politics.

I have not one friend who doesn't want everyone to be taken care of. I know no one who wants to see anyone denied help if they need it.

What exactly are we arguing about?

Figure out the best way to do it, but I have to agree with Obama. There is no reason for any American to go broke because they get sick. There is no reason for any American to suffer and die because they don't have the right policy.

I was impressed by Obama tonight. I thought he was politically magnificent. This is an easy sell though.

Don't buy into the hype. We all want the same thing.

How Refreshing.

I've been listening to a little news lately. Actually, it's more political commentary than news. Listening to the banter is exhausting. Can we get a little sincerity?

"You supported strengthening the subprime loan program at Fannie and Freddy. Isn't that what got us into this mess?"

This is what I hear everyone ask. The answer is astounding.

"I supported Fannie and Freddy and the home ownership program, but I never supported these bad subprime loans."

You're killing me dude!

Taking the heat can be tough. I get it. You have to admit though that the denial of any responsibility for the mistakes that were made can be a little condescending to us common folk. I've never found it detrimental to my objectives to acknowledge my mistakes. The ego hurts a bit, but it heals quickly.

Just once I would like to hear "I supported Fanny and Freddy because I was interested in helping low-income citizens. I thought that helping them toward home-ownership was a good goal. We never realized that so many bad loans would be offered. In retrospect we should have had more oversight of the program."

Wow! Honest conversation. How refreshing.

The dude abides...

I take as many life lessons as possible from The Big Lebowski. Here are a few favorites...

That's just like...your opinion man.

Fuck it! Let's go bowling.

What day is this?

and of course...

The dude abides.

Most of the time I find it easy to abide. Money problems? No worries. Sleeping on the beach is free. Someone getting on your nerves? All you have to do is walk away.

One of your ex's being a bitch?

Yea, that one is a little tougher. Although, it is nice to have your decision to split validated periodically. In fact, its feels pretty good to remember that it could always be worse. You could still be with her.

Now that I think about it life is pretty damn good. Fuck it. Let's go bowling!

That is so Twilight

I’ve been trying to avoid this, but I can’t help myself any longer. I have to talk about the Twilight series.

Yes, I read all of the books. Thanks to my sister who literally left them on my doorstep. I must admit that I couldn’t stop reading once I got started. It was like eating a bag of potato chips. You’re not even hungry, but you can’t stop eating!

So I now have a new word in my vocabulary. Whenever something is sickeningly sappy I refer to it as being “Twilight”. You know like a girl that lays down on the ground in the woods crying hysterically over a boy leaving her. So twilight.

But this isn’t my biggest gripe with the books. My biggest gripe is…well let’s just see if you can figure it out. Here are a list of signs that your favorite author might just be a Mormon.

Young girls and old dudes

Yea, Edward looks young, but the guys is like a hundred years old. It’s kind of creepy. Seventeen year old girls got on my nerves when I was seventeen. I can’t imagine being interested in them after a century.

The school looks like “Leave it to Beaver”

What kind of school is this? No partying? No sex, drugs, or rock and roll? Not even any vulgar language. Not very believable.

Watch that premarital sex

It’s okay to become one of the undead, but you better not have sex until you tie the knot.

Imprinting (are you kidding me?)

This is perhaps the most disturbing concept in the series. Adults “imprint” on children which basically marks them for marriage. Oh, but it’s not sick in any way. It’s a wholesome love until they become an adult. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

I know there are a lot of you Twilight fans out there, so I apologize if I offend. I felt like I ate too many double cheese burgers at McDonalds when I was finished reading. They taste good, but when you’re done you think “Why did I eat so much of that crap?”

Maybe it’s just me but the books were so…uh…they were very….um…twilight.