Irish Eyes are Smiling

So, St. Patty’s Day is upon us again. Normally, I spend this holiday in a drunken stupor, which I’ve come to realize is not a great tribute to the fine traditions of Ireland. To make up for all of those years that I’ve stumbled from bar to bar singing off-key the wrong words to Irish drinking songs I’ve decided to post a tribute to my Irish brethren. Here are some of my favorites of all things Irish.

Denis Leary

You’ve got to love Denis Leary. I crack up just looking at him. Here’s what he said about his religious beliefs.

“I`m a lapsed catholic in the best sense of the word… My parents, you know, prayed all the time, took us to mass. And my father would sometimes swear in Gaelic. It doesn`t get more religious than that.”

Kiss Me I’m Irish Shirts

Best marketing campaign ever! Beautiful women begging to be kissed? Are you kidding me? Whenever I see a chick wearing this shirt I lay one on her. Glorious tradition.

The Lucky Charms Guy

Whenever I see this little dude I just want to dance a jig. I’m sure the Irish get sick of him, but c’mon. He’s the lucky charms dude.

Grace Kelly

If I need to explain this one to you…well, I can’t help you.

Guinness

So we’ve made it back full circle, and as always we seem to end on alcohol. Now that I think about it, stumbling from bar to bar singing Irish drinking songs is really a compliment to the culture. Let’s face it. Without all of the booze most people wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about St. Patricks day. So, raise your glasses my friends and repeat after me.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

I love St. Patty’s day.

I caused the financial crisis!

I have something that I need to get off my chest. You’ve heard lots of explanations for how we got into this financial crisis. Subprime mortgages, credit default swaps, housing bubbles, blah, blah, blah.

It was me. I caused the financial crisis.

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How did I cause the financial crisis you might ask? Here’s the deal. Banks kept giving me money, and trust me I know how to spend money. Not only did they give me money, but they didn’t even ask a whole lot of questions about how I was going to manage to pay it back.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I need supervision. I can dream up all kinds of cool stuff, but I have to be reigned in from time to time. I have been known to put together vast and elegant solutions that are wholly impractical.

So there you have it. It was me. I did it, and you’d better watch out...because I’ll do it again.

Roundabouts...they're not for everybody

A big part of my ramblings are devoted to educating those ignorant fools out there who just don’t get it. Just one of the many ways that I give back to my community.

Today’s public service announcement is devoted to roundabouts.


You know what a roundabout is, right? It’s an intersection (usually four ways) where all points of entry yield to one another.

The operative word here folks is YIELD. A roundabout is not a four-way stop!

I feel certain that I am going to witness or participate in a stabbing, shooting, strangling or some other act of violence caused by this fundamental lack of understanding.

If you have any further questions on how this complex traffic pattern operates please feel free to ask. I will be waiting my turn in the roundabout behind grandma.

It’s a whole nother thing

I’m not a huge stickler about using proper grammar.  I’m really not.  I have been known to occasionally split an infinitive.  Ending a sentence with a preposition isn’t something that I get angry at. 

Considering my lackadaisical attitude toward grammar my writings might even contain a dangling participle or two.

Can we draw the line at inserting a modifier into the middle of a word?

If not, I would like to suggest some equally descriptive phrases.

a wow stonishing

a loud nnouncement

the great saurus

a flat bdomen (the b is silent)

Feel free to use these new phrases in ordinary conversation.  People might think you’re weird, but that’s a whole nother issue.

The future is now

Remember when we were kids and we watched the futuristic shows on TV?  I was so excited for the time when we had the conveyor belts that dressed you in the morning like in the Jetsons.  The flying cars and hoverboards were awesome too.

 

I was traveling to California this week, and I noticed quite a few areas where we just have not lived up to the Jetson/Star Trek/Back to the Future standard.

Elevators

They don’t zoom you around.  They don’t make cool whooshing noises when the doors open and close.  You can’t even turn off a button once you press it.  How advanced does your technology need to be in order to allow deselecting a floor?

 

Lines

I really thought that in the future we could eliminate waiting in line.  I don’t know why I assumed this, except that waiting blows.

 

Airplanes

I don’t know exactly how this should be handled, but I’m pretty sure the way we fly around is fucked up.  Do we really need to take up cabin space with overhead bags?  Is there not some way that we could arrange to give enough leg room that those of us over 5 feet tall don’t get deep vein thrombosis?  I also thought by now we would all be debarking by way of trap door in the floor.

 

Road travel

Even when we try to apply modern technology we screw it up.  I’m sitting at a ramp to get on the freeway, and I’m waiting on this traffic light.  (Sorry Californians, but we don’t have these in Florida.)  The light goes from red to green to red like a blinker allowing one car through at a time.  Think about this for a minute.  Does this technological advancement remind you of anything?  It’s called a stop sign.  If only we could come up with a device that allows a free flow of traffic where one lane yields to another…

As I was trying to charge my iPhone in my rental car (unsuccessfully because the port was made for an iPod) I came to this sobering conclusion.  The future is never coming.  Sorry folks.  I’m pretty sure that future technology is going to be geared around erections, boobs, fast food, and Paris Hilton.  I was really looking forward to that transporter too.

2009 Year in Review

Well, friends, another year is almost in the tank. I would like to thank my good friends Mr. Daniels and Mr. Bombay for their help throughout the year. They have provided valuable insight into life, love, and happiness as always.

Now we again come to that special time when friends come together for the most time-honored tradition; getting plowed and making promises. You can almost feel the good will building as the clock ticks its way down to midnight. The euphoria builds to a crescendo as the new year crashes in and you kiss the prettiest girl you can reach.

Then the hangover sets in.

Before we get to all of that though I thought I would reflect on my 2009 experience. It was wild. It was wacky. Let's reflect, shall we?

Moved to the Beach



Yes friends it may seem like I've lived here all my life, but I moved to my beachside cabana in February of 2009. Best move ever!


Had a luau (AKA: AdamFest 2009)



How can you live at the beach and not have a luau. Oh, and I now have a ukulele that I will be strumming at next year's event. It's gonna be sweet!


Another road trip



This time it was my boy and me on the open road. We braved the swamps of Louisiana, the cornfields of Kansas, and the Wal-Mart shoppers of Arkansas, but we made to Sioux City, Iowa to see the Counting Crows.


Changed Jobs (again)



I did such a great job with my promotion last year that they...um...well, they asked me to go back to doing my old job. Just keep the paychecks coming, brothers.


Finally got to use that "In a relationship" status on Facebook



What can I say? I'm smitten.

Happy New Year to you all, my friends. I look forward to sharing many adventures in 2010. Let's get started!

I’m Just Sayin’

Few phrases make my skin crawl as much as the ever popular “I’m Just Sayin’.” Maybe this isn’t a new term, but it seems like I’m seeing it more and more lately.

What the fuck does this mean?

I realize that you’re just saying whatever it is you’re saying. I never thought you were also performing an interpretive dance.

I guess what your are really trying to say is “Don’t hold me responsible for anything I said, because I’m just running my mouth.” Kind of like “with all due respect.”

As in “With all due respect, you’re a real douchebag.”

So, CNN is even getting into it. That should be your cue folks to drop this phrase from your repertoire. Jon Stewart says it better than I ever could.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CNN's Just Sayin'
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Please people. You are taking years off of my life with every utterance of this phrase. I want to poke out my eyes every time I read it. I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to stick a pair of cockroaches in my ears every time I hear it. End the madness!

I’m just sayin’.

It’s all about me!

So today is my birthday, and what better reason is there to blather incoherently?

Today’s rambling is devoted to my new idea for birthdays.  I will warn you that I have expressed this opinion to many, and all without exception have found it to be completely without merit.

What else is new?

So it seems to me that one of my friends is always having a birthday.  You have to get a gift, organize a party, give a speech, etc.

I think that the birthday responsibilities should lie with the person who is celebrating the birthday.

Think about it.  One day a year you have to worry about birthday celebrations.  That’s it!

You throw yourself a party, get a cake, buy yourself gifts, and invite all of your friends to watch you open them!  You get exactly what you want, and your friends don’t have to go to any trouble.  They just show up and have a good time.

It’s a brave new world people.  Let’s turn it upside down!

Here’s to you!

I just thought I’d give a shout out to those people who have made my life more interesting lately.  You have gone above and beyond in contributing to the epic story of my wanderings on this planet.

 Guy who took my shampoo and conditioner from the gym

You could have left it in the shower.  You could have taken it to lost and found.  You could have put it in a locker.  Yet you decided to take my shampoo and conditioner home with you to save a few bucks.  Way to go.

Guy who always thinks I’m hitting on his girlfriend

OK.  Maybe I was hitting on her the first time.  Now I do it just to watch you get all riled up.  It entertains me.

Chick whose name I can’t remember

You know who you are.

Am I in line here?

I admit it. I bust in line. I do it in traffic. I do it at the movies. I’ve been known to do it at wedding receptions.

That doesn’t make it right. I expect to be chastised if caught.

What really irks me is when cutting in line is completely tolerated by businesses (and the person cutting is not me.) Here are two types of cutting that are completely acceptable in most stores.

Phone cutting

Have you ever been waiting at a customer service desk to talk to someone in a long, slow-moving line? Maybe you just need to ask a question about a return. Then the phone rings behind the desk. What does the person working the desk do? Of course, they pick up the phone and help solve the caller’s problem.

I’m going to try to call from my cell while waiting in line next time. Is that phone caller really more important than us schmucks standing in front of you?

Drive through cutting

I’m in Starbucks the other day with my kids. We are the only people in Starbucks. As I am waiting for my order I watch the drive through window. People are speeding through there like it’s the freeway!

What the hell? Just because you’re in a car you deserve preferential treatment? She’s slinging lattes out the window like she’s working a pit crew.

Please people, let’s get this straightened out. I, for one, do not want to live in a world where cutters like me are accepted. It’s a matter of principle!